MR SofTee cleaver

I find myself still even holding back a lot of things that I would like to say like to communicate or express. I think the role of somebody that does art and puts it out, is to explore these things, even simply to do artistic things in your room, just explore these things about yourself, learn about yourself become an expert.

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You know, everyone else in my life has been an expert on me. I can't stand that shit. I can't tell you the number of paintings. The number of things that I've said that I've had to explain and take back that were misinterpreted in the first place in a way that I didn't even mean them. I don't know, I'm just. I've come to a point. You know when I was younger I believed that I was already at this point, but I truly care less.

There is no line the cross that's your line. That's their line. That's the line, they put forward. I mean I'm not fucking psycho. I'm not gonna say some shit to just say some shit.i i think it's the mister Softee in me. The original mister Softee can really fuck Shut up man and it's really held me back from a lot of things and exploration.

Alot of journeys into my own mind that would have I might have found out. Harsh realities, good things, all the above. It's important to look, to learn to be self aware, it's important to not be oblivious to who you are, I have been coming across that a lot lately, people just oblivious to who they are, how they affect people and not really even thinking about it. And I'm not talking about through expression, I'm just talking about through being a rude fucking human being, a horrible, horrible person. I don't know. I hope you join me in expressing yourself to the fullest, even if it's to say, “John, Fuck you, I hate you.” I would be more happy with that kind of honesty than the fucking B.S, I've been fed for the last 30 years.

Anyway, hope you all are doing well. I love you all, We're all ONE, blah, blah, BLAH!

Corporate Eye Soars (The Gangs and The Government are no Different)

Many people get absolutely crazed about street art. I understand the bad apples who just destroy walls or worse, nature. But look at the companies who force feed you the date of a certain shit movie or product. They plaster wheat past, billboards, and entire buildings with the sole purpose of taking your money.

Graffiti, I am not a Graffiti artist but I have done public art for my entire life. I am a criminal. A FUCKIN CRIMINAL for doing art. With the exception of a few hometown hero assholes, 99% of people who see me ask me great questions and are generally almost childlike in their enjoyment of talking art for a few minutes. I have never set out to hurt anyone in fact I am only trying to spice up stale and sterile streets. In Europe and other countries art is cherished, in America it is only celebrated if money can be generated i.e. Banksy, Shepard Fairey, etc. Why do we not demand art in our daily lives? Instead most pieces are done half ass because the gang, I mean cops would love to make use of their feet and fists as well as convince a young person they are in fact criminals. When I post some little shitty street piece I get an enormous amount of likes, comments, and so on as well as a list of calls, texts, emails urging me to stop. I wish those same people were urging the law makers to decriminalize, or more importantly learn to see art as vital in daily life.

The Control Myth

I am really trying to figure out who I am. I have reached a real level of honesty within. I have reached a point which holding grudges or hating is not worth it. My childhood was much more difficult then I have ever admitted to myself. Never abused, molested, etc. but my family is blended. My 2 sisters are half and my brother as well. I am a symbol of my parents union, which I always knew was something that has a multitude of dimensions. I have heard constant lies or half truths about my parents. At one point I feel one sibling was almost trying to recruit me. Recruit me as they were. I have had to keep certain siblings at arms length hoping I won't have to fully let them go. They have their side, which is valid but I feel those who spend time trying to disgrace something are holding onto some abstract truth. Anyway, just an example of my path, one issue and I must say I am blessed. I have realized that at my age now I have limited wisdom. I can see growth in my art, stages or states of mind. I am lucky to have art as an anchor in my pursuit to learn who I am. While semi successful this is what really matters. Art is a person within that listens and lets me vent.

What I have come to understand is you do not happen to life, life happens to you and control is a myth.

Most think this is an act of immature ignorance. Necessary is what I call it. John Michael Gill. 2017.

Most think this is an act of immature ignorance. Necessary is what I call it. John Michael Gill. 2017.

Insomniac (Eyelashes)

 I lay there, awake next to my wife. My mind will not quiet itself. I think of thousands of things all at once, some pleasant, some disturbing. I keep visualizing the human body which comforts me but I can't hold it. Again and again I reposition myself but nothing works, no comfort tonight. In the back of my head is the thought that my son will be awake early and whatever sleep I might get won't last. Again the human body, some faceless woman poses for me and all I see of her face are eyes forever changing. 

 This is a losing battle. I get up and put my headphones on. I walk out on my balcony and smoke a cigarette. It's cold now in Washington and peacefully mist falls. I think about the fact I am a night person, I always have been. Having my son has been hard on my sleep patterns. It's a rhythm you cannot change. I am most creative at night and most aware, this is when I get things done, while the world sleeps. 

 I strum a few notes on my guitar and put my headphones back on and start writing this. The worst part is, I had so much to say, so much to write but as I sit here I can only think of the eyes I keep seeing when I close mine. The eyelashes. The tiny wrinkles emoting such expression. I can think of the troubling nature of my inner dialogue and the conflicting subjects that are on my mind tonight. Darkness and light. I stop writing and focus on Thom Yorkes voice singing "Present Tense" and an explosion of images release into the space behind my eyes. 

 Soon the sun will come up. Soon the cars will fill the street, but until then I will try and close my eyes one more time.