Giving up control

Most of my earlier life was spent in Catholic school and church where I would stare at paintings of death and suffering, ignoring any resolution by staying completely transfixed on the pain in the eyes of the doomed. Humans violent side almost celebrated within the murals of the church. 

 I obsessed over death and began chasing it in a way. Balancing between this life and what I perceived as the end. I would literally ingest poison to feel what death might be like and each time I got closer to it, the warmer I felt. Irrational thinking as I write this but at the time it made perfect sense.

 I was a man who feared death until actually touching it a few times. I came to the realization that by letting go of my false sense of control I actually became more alive and in turn completely fine with the idea of death. Now when someone I know dies, I grieve. Now when someone I know dies, I celebrate. I feel for those who are in pain around me but feel completely at ease with the actual passing of a loved one. I learned how to let go.

 I must thank death for helping me become inspired by life. Death is a beautiful thing that I refuse to see as dark. I don't believe in heaven or hell or any other man made ideology regarding lifes true path. Being born and dying, to me, are one in the same. A magnificent way of transportation with a purpose. Yes, a purpose. We are all destined for the great beyond, the unknown, the transformation where all earthly ego dissolves into a warmth I welcome.

The Pallbearer 2011. John Michael Gill

The Pallbearer 2011. John Michael Gill


 To everyone I know and love, I will grieve you tremendously but please know that behind my tears is the ultimate thankfulness that you are exactly where you need to be. So I urge you, stop trying to control life. Let life be a wave, a current that flows in and around us. A wave so extraordinary that sometimes it suffocates, but like a wave it too will bring you back to air.

This song may be one of my favorites. The structure of it, the melody, it all reminds me of the beauty we tend to overlook.


The Hope of a New Kind of Pope

As someone who was brought up in the Catholic Church/School (and am proud of that part of my own history) and then public school, I have a feeling of being let down by organized religion. My Mothers side is Irish Catholic and my Father has Christian values. I myself have stepped away from the church and most religious ideologies for personal reasons. I am a believer in God as a term of relating to what is bigger than man can ever understand.

With all the controversy within the Catholic church regarding the treatment of thousands of victims of the worst crime a human can commit other than murder, and the way the priests have been shuffled around to escape legal action I find it impossible to believe in religion. I am spiritual, an understanding that lies within me that I have no need to explain, and that faith has helped me personally on a million levels.

I recently learned that the new Pope, Pope Francis is a man of great integrity and bravery. I have learned that he got involved in the priesthood in his early thirties and studied philosophy. This is profound to me but not nearly as profound as the knowledge that Pope Francis has known what it is to be in love. CRUCIAL....

A man or woman who has experienced true love, abstract and vulnerable has the potential to see the human condition as it is as opposed to how it might be taught. I am positive that this is why Pope Francis has embraced the Gay community and seems to care more about humanitarian issues than the long line of Popes before him. This is a revelation, a PROFOUND step in the right direction. Pope Francis has the power to enact real change and even though I may not step in a church anytime soon, Pope Francis has made me proud to be associated with Catholicism in a way I never was before. This is a man to watch and celebrate. A true believer in both God and mankind. I am hopeful.