Giving up control — john michael gill

Most of my earlier life was spent in Catholic school and church where I would stare at paintings of death and suffering, ignoring any resolution by staying completely transfixed on the pain in the eyes of the doomed. Humans violent side almost celebrated within the murals of the church.

I obsessed over death and began chasing it in a way. Balancing between this life and what I perceived as the end. I would literally ingest poison to feel what death might be like and each time I got closer to it, the warmer I felt. Irrational thinking as I write this but at the time it made perfect sense.

I was a man who feared death until actually touching it a few times. I came to the realization that by letting go of my false sense of control I actually became more alive and in turn completely fine with the idea of death. Now when someone I know dies, I grieve. Now when someone I know dies, I celebrate. I feel for those who are in pain around me but feel completely at ease with the actual passing of a loved one. I learned how to let go.

I must thank death for helping me become inspired by life. Death is a beautiful thing that I refuse to see as dark. I don't believe in heaven or hell or any other man made ideology regarding lifes true path. Being born and dying, to me, are one in the same. A magnificent way of transportation with a purpose. Yes, a purpose. We are all destined for the great beyond, the unknown, the transformation where all earthly ego dissolves into a warmth I welcome.

*The Pallbearer 2011. John Michael Gill*

To everyone I know and love, I will grieve you tremendously but please know that behind my tears is the ultimate thankfulness that you are exactly where you need to be. So I urge you, stop trying to control life. Let life be a wave, a current that flows in and around us. A wave so extraordinary that sometimes it suffocates, but like a wave it too will bring you back to air.

This song may be one of my favorites. The structure of it, the melody, it all reminds me of the beauty we tend to overlook.

John.